You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
