I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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