and next time when you feel me up, do it right
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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