Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
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