we made out on top of his cat.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
