I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I enjoy the company of your penis
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
