also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
