What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
