be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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