I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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