Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
