last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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