I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
