How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I am naked and annoyed.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
