It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
