I don't usually arrange sex via text message
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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