I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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