You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
