My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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