Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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