his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
