I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
