OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
