I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
