God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize