he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
