I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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