I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
