Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
