ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
