If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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