im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
