Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
