wake up i wanna do it froggy style
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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