Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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