Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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