So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
