SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I stole a fireplace last night.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
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