So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
