I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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