Don't EVER smell your tampon
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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