I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
