He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
