Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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