My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
