my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
you will always have a special place in my vag
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
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