I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
