I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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