So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
