my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
