Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Oh god it's open bar.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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