I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
