i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
