Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
